I'm a caregiver who looks after my elderly mother. You've stressed that love evolves and becomes a new form of love: compassionate understanding. I am wondering what understanding can help me be more patient with her? I get so irritated when she exaggerates her discomfort and creates such drama and self-pity. She raised me to be strong and resilient and then she wallows in her discomfort. Please help me cope with this judgement I have about her self-pity, what must I understand?
The present generation and the one before this, do not understand how hard the Great Depression generation had to work just to get by. Everyone, including children, had to do their part — just to keep from starving and losing their house.
Most of the children growing up under these harsh conditions, had very little tenderness or approval. And most had insufficient mothering. This creates a needy inner child, and a harsh inner nurturer that does not fulfill the role of self-nurturing. The care and attention your mother gets from you, is possibly the most she's had from any sources all of her life. This is why she blows any injury out of proportion.
The best coping mechanism is to mentally reset your interaction every day (i.e. start over every day). In addition, make sure your own inner child is properly nurtured.
Ciara Young says
I've pondered on this theme much throughout my life, as while none of my surviving family lived through the Great Depression personally, their parents did, and they also lived through various other extremes that were running concurrently and just on the tail end of it (WW2, as well as the harshness of growing up in extreme Catholic Ireland in the early century, and much love). The lack of sufficient nurturing as a result has been a glaring presence in my grandparents and subsequently both of my parents too, with many bizarre and frustrating ways that it's played out.
I have recently found my Dad most difficult to deal with as he goes through a period of processing a lot of his own childhood stuff (though not very well, or consciously), because as the only person who's able to meet him in compassion when he has his little meltdowns he'd taken to lashing out at me while everyone else gets his best behaviour. This has been a major major source of stress in my life this year, and asking the Infinite what else can be done to alleviate this situation for all (because I've been very aware it's bigger than my personal situation) has also brought me comfort, in addition to the daily reset suggestion above, and other things.
I recently had the inspiration that it may be possible to use Kaanish to work on dissolving the psychological scar tissue for these entire groups, and wonder if this might be something we could confirm with Almine?
Ciara Young says
*much more, not much love
Barbara Kathryn says
I don't doubt that there is a predominant trauma attached to certain generations.
Are there many extremely elderly people left now who were children during the Depression? My parents were in their late teens, early 20s during those years. If they were still alive they would be 110 and 113. All my aunties and uncles lived well into their 90s and none showed any neediness in their later years. Westerners, the sort who 'died with their boots on'. When they felt they were slowing down they said "see y'all on the other side" and were gone 3 weeks later!
Some did have 1930s hording syndrome though, like "that piece of string might come in handy".
Here in Europe people of that generation were children during WWI, and young adults during WWII. So now our elderly are those who were kids during the War: occupation, bombardment. Scary. They mostly didn't have fathers for several years, if any did return. And their grandparents had been wiped out by the previous war or by the flu pandemic which followed.
Now though there seem to be many less elderly too, not yet senile, who are into self-pity. What Almine once mentioned as 'the tyranny of the elderly' I think.
I can't remember if she gave any recommendations at the time, other than not be taken in…by emotional blackmail.
But dementia is a different problem as there is real, not imagined, dependancy. And self-control isn't an option really.
What a lot of patience…and emotional distancing…that must require!
Isn't there part of a Belvaspata protocol that is useful here? I wonder if it's preventative as well? Alzheimer's is so prevalent now. And runs in families.
Alex M says
I was told one of the most common reasons for any dementia and Alzeimer's is heavy metals rusting off in the brain. I'm going to by "brain saver" by Anthony William.
Barbara Kathryn: thanks for your profound sharing on this topic!
Sonja Jean says
I am also in the position of caring for my mother. it is a burden and a blessing. There is a lot of frustration due to her lack of hearing and constant dialogue about her suffering. She has her own ideas about how things should be. But I have to pause and be grateful to be with her at her life's end. Thank you for this question and response.
As I am in the same situation with my mother. In addition, my mother will not take anything that is not prescribed by a doctor. I find it useful to disconnect from the mother daughter relationship and just tend to her like a stranger ( hence the mental re-set). This gives me a lot of breathing space as I am not always trying to 2nd guess her needs in order to prepare in advance, but deal with just what is on hand at the moment. Mostly disregarding what is verbally spoken by my mother but just tending to what she physically or mentally needs in the moment. Yes….it's a bit tricky as my mother is also experiencing the onset of dementia. Which I have partially abated with the help of the Kaanish Angel Gods.
I find the sigil for Vastness and protection helps a lot. The blue one for protection against Nanotechnology as well.https://originalones.org/product/%d0%b84n073ch/
Appreciate this Dhani!.