For any person or situation that still brings up painful emotions, ask these nine questions:
(Please note that the first five questions assist us in seeing what is really going on. Use the intellect for this part because it was designed to help us discern what is behind surface appearances.)
1) What Is the Lesson?
Look for the lesson that Spirit wishes us to embrace. For example, the lesson may be that we need to speak our truth. It could manifest as laryngitis, or someone might appear to mirror to us that we frequently suppress our voice. He or she may violate our boundaries to get our attention. We need to protect ourselves by voicing our truth that this behavior is unacceptable. Accepting the unacceptable isn't saintly, it is dysfunctional.
2) What Is the Contract?
Everyone who interacts with us has made an agreement, prior to this incarnation, to assist with our growth. They may have agreed to push us over the edge, and we may do likewise for them. Ask, "What is the contract that you and I are playing out?"
I have had several near death experiences and while in the spirit world, I was awe-struck by the extensive contracts people have with each other. It is with great love that many agreed to be a catalyst as perpetrators. When we are in balance, there is no growth so it is a signal to the universe to knock us out of balance so the lessons will continue. Thus, we pull relationships into our lives that test us in every way imaginable.
People don't like change and many go to great extremes to avoid it, even if it is a dysfunctional situation. The reason many dislike change is because they feel separated from Source. They believe that they are alone and completely cut off from nurturing by the Creator.
Understanding our contracts with others will help us not judge by appearances. What is meant is that when we are in the throes of tough experiences, don't look at them—look behind them.
3) What Is the Role?
Am I playing the victim? Am I playing the bad guy? Am I playing the teacher? Am I playing the student?
What role am I playing within this contract? Also, look at the role the other person is playing.
For example, we may have a tyrant in our life. It may be our spouse, mother, or boss. Once you establish that, see who you are in relation to that person's role.
Remember, we may change our role at any time because we create our reality.
4) What Is the Mirror?
We pull relationships into our life that do one of the following things: they mirror an aspect of who we are, what we have given away, what we still place judgment on, or what we haven't developed yet.
For example, if our innocence is gone, we may find ourselves intensely attracted to a young person. If we have given our integrity away, we might fall in love with a missionary who, in our eyes, represents integrity.
Another thing that can be mirrored, is that which we judge. If we have problems dealing with people who lie, then we are placing a judgment on them so we attract liars.
If a man isn't in touch with his feminine side, he might choose a woman who is overbalanced in her feminine to make him feel more complete. Later, he becomes frustrated because he cannot leave town for the weekend because there might be a leak in the water pipes and she wouldn't know how to handle the situation. These little irritations could build into resentment unless he sees that he deliberately chose her to mirror his underdeveloped feminine side.
5) What Is the Gift?
Every person we encounter has come to give us a gift and receive one as well. This applies even with the most casual acquaintance.
Ask, "What gift am I supposed to give this person?" It may be something as simple as offering him the gift of unconditional love; or we may recognize something beautiful in him that nobody else has seen; or we may genuinely listen to a man and for the first time in years, he feels heard and understood.
Another time we may encounter a woman who reacts with bursts of anger and we have the opportunity to demonstrate our mastery of the situation.
Note: The last four questions deal with our attitudes surrounding the answers to the first five questions.
6) Can I Allow?
This is the point of discerning what has to be allowed, what has to be changed, and finding the courage to act. Imagine yourself as the water in a river. If a rock is in front of you, are you going to stop or flow around the rock? We have masterfully created every situation in our life—even the rock—so can we just allow it to be there for this moment? Is this battle ours? A battle is only worth fighting if the stakes are worth having. If you have already learnt the lesson, no need to re-fight this battle.
7) Can I Accept?
We cannot accept the painful things that happen to us unless we begin to see the perfection underlying the web of appearances.
A common belief is that we were placed on the wheel of reincarnation, suffering lifetime after lifetime, until we have lived enough lives to become perfect.
The Infinite created us perfectly with the ability to be a creator. Thoughts plus feeling create activity. The heart is like a microphone so the stronger the emotions of our heart, the stronger the universe's response to manifest our desires. But the universe doesn't discriminate; it will manifest whatever we think—positive or negative. So it is important that we accept that we have co-created the situation, which removes any feelings of having things done "to" us.
8) Can I Release?
To release is to let go of the energy surrounding the person or event. If we don't release, we keep it alive by feeding it energy through thoughts (sometimes subconsciously).
If we are in conflict with our partner, even if he or she has violated us in some way, the best thing to do is to walk through these steps and gain the insights. Then release it by changing focus and placing it onto something positive. That individual is like a vampire sucking our energy until we cut the cord that binds us. Every time we think of that person, send him or her blessings and the cord will be severed.
9) Can I Be Grateful?
If we have gone through these nine steps and can feel true gratitude for the insights gained, it raises consciousness. Gratitude is one of the Three Ascension Attitudes and is the culminating step. If we reach genuine gratitude, it assists us in connecting with our higher lightbodies and turning hardships into ascension tools.
If we have completed the first eight steps and don't feel gratitude, please go back and do them again.
When we look at the gifts, the mirrors, and the valuable lessons, we should be thankful for everything in our life. Even when the lessons are huge, such as being involved in a war, raped, or being an orphan, if we look at it from a higher perspective, it is a lesson or a gift. Even if we have suffered sexual abuse as a child, when we overcome it, we raise up the vibration of the earth because she has suffered the same. Also, when one of us overcomes, it is easier for the next person to do likewise.